she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize