How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
