mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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