you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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