I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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