I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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