I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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