Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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