dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
