my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
