you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
