I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
