How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
