I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found a bag of teeth...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
