Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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