I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
