I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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