i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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