She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
