I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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