You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
