I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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