Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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