So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
