Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
