we have pet lesbian snakes
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize