so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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