I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
