Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
