Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
