dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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