he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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