He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
