i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
