Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
