ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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