So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
