First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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