Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
