This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
