that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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