matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
