shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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