Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize