you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
