in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
