A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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