I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
