The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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