I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
