If that was your dad, he is hot
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
