I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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