I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is my gift to your gina
you made out with another girl for some wings
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
