listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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